ranting and self doubting every other day or so

perhaps its because i have very little self worth to begin with. or maybe its due to all these long bus rides that ive been taking to reflect about my life. whatever the reason, im like feeling emo and down every other day because im just so not confident about my future, my work, my face, myself, just my everything.

a tiny little meaningless rejection can make me go back into my protective shell and hide there, emoing about why nobody likes me and why it feels like im such a big failure because everyone rejects me. i dont even know what im ranting about specifically and why im ranting about it now. small little details that can go unnoticed by others, but i tend to look into it, think about it and then spend loads of time thinking and questioning myself about how that thing even came about in the first place.

In conclusion, I THINK TOO MUCH.

not like my friends haven already told me that. i read too much into things, even trivial matters that are not worth anyone's time. i hate that sometimes i over think things. i get all these ideas that later just dissolve like bubbles and then disappear without a trace.

im super open about who i like and who i dont but i wonder if thats a good thing. but if i have to, i still act all fake friendly infront of the person i dont like because i simply cant just diss the person infront of everyone. but if the person isnt even worth my time, i do sometimes make it obvious to him/her that i dont like you and wth are you toking to me? cant u tell im not really interested in what you what to say hence im daoing you. and can you just get out of my sight right now?

i dont understand why sometimes some people complain about a certain individual, lets say personA, like how much he doesnt like personA but then can still act all friendly and nice to personA when personA comes by. it is just so damn fake.

perhaps its something that is needed to be done? like we all have to do that because its part of being a human and everything. learn to be fake and suck up to people, even those you dont like. thats the only way u can climb up the ladder and be successful in life.

i hate being fake. but im perhaps the most fake person around? everything about me is fake. my smiles? fake. my craziness? fake. my voice? fake. my personality? fake. my kindness? fake. my sweetness? fake. my friendliness? fake. my extrovert-ness? fake. flirting is like the fake-est thing in the world. feelings? fake. everything i say? fake.

all behind all the faking and lies? nothing. theres nothing left. just an empty shell. some ugly dumb girl cover with no personality and whatsoever who doesnt even know who she herself is. The only thing she knows, and is good at is PRETENDING.

perhaps pretending is so much easier and more fun than being the real me. perhaps ive forgotten whats the real me like. perhaps i cant stop pretending anymore because if i start showing everyone the real me, my life will be over, everything will crumble. relationships, trust, everything will break apart. think ive never not lied to any of my friends before.

perhaps i should just shutup now and stop all this sillying emoing and ranting.but a blog is fucking for RANTING.

idk think it all started from this 2 girls.

one is someone i haven liked all along. but i thought we seemed to have bonded this one night. and for once i actually 'liked' her like i felt like we were frens. until... she did smth which only make me realise why i disliked her all along. and then i saw something else, which kinda spited me so here i am ranting.

another one is someone whom ive liked all along but maybe something happened? and i dont know something she said made me feel like abit hurt? i dont know man thats why i got a little emo over myself as a person. okay nvm. should shutup now if not people might know who im toking about. actually maybe i shouldnt care because i dont think anyone reads my blog.

enough about that.

before i came online i was still feeling happy. because

bryan finally had time to call me today :)

so now its 2calls frm nickk 2 frm joooo and 1 from bryan :)

they all seem okay over there and im quite surprised but very excited because it seems that bryan has matured alot over the past week in tekong. proud of him.

going shopping with babe tml. might rant to her. idk. but will doll myself up. which is what i usually do when im feeling low. time for full on drawing of face.