so i was doubting myself.
like how im gona not survive in smu because everyone else is gona be super good at crapping their way through. WHY AM I NOT A GOOD SPEAKER! how im gona get owned. how i might have the lowest gpa in the history of smu biz. (which is not a very long history actually).
is it true that everyone generally likes smart pple? and between a smart and dumb person, everyone will choose to befriend the smart one. i guess. so that means im gona be quite lonely in smu :( I DONT WANA. im scared. i'll die if i have no friends okayy.
then during class time, im gona be so zi bei staring at everyone else contributing their logical and useful suggestions and giving their smart ass opinions. and i'll just be some dumb girl sitting there, not knowing what to say. even if i have something to say, its cfm either something really useless or insignificant or not related at all. OMG. im so screwedup.
even if i work hard, can i possibly catch up with the others? idk when i started having this self doubt, that im really an airhead. ive got nth in my brain. idk when i first had this realisation. maybe it was when i went into sc? cause there were alot of smart thinking people there? or was it when i started playing contract bridge? i realised that when im playing, my brain is always BLANK. even though im supposed to be doing alot of thinking and remembering work. but i was never doing that. my brain was always BLANK. like as if theres nothing in it. Then, i realised that even when im just talking to people, like a normal casual conversation, sometimes i cant even give intellectual answers or even answers of even a little depth. its like i dont have my own opinions that i can give others. or advices that i can render others. i dont know what to say half the time.
maybe it was when i came into sa3 and all the scholars are like sooo smart. always debating about idk what they are toking abt. or when shao started writing his uni essays and asked me some cheem qns that i cant really answer. or when im ranting to omo bromo and he always has his deep opinions and insights to tell me.
then i realised that i nvr had my own ideas, opinions and whatsoever. i canot think on my own. cant think critically. always need ideas from others if not i cant answer qns or whatever. is this due to my over dependence on everyone? shit if thats the case then i really gg. if i go smu, i dont have anyone to rely on. imma flop like a dead fish.
basically im just ranting about my fears of going smu biz. i think that 90% im just gona click that 'I ACCEPT YOU SMU' button even though im really scared and worried about what is gona lie ahead.
why am i gona accept smu
- smu has been my dream sch since SC days. its silly to back out now cause everyone knows how much i wana go smu.
-ive been telling everyone im going smu biz.
-smu biz will give me alot of useful networking connections in the future i believe
-my parents are 100% behind me in going smu. actually they cant wait for me to tell them that ive accepted smu.
-biz shld earn me money in the future
-smu biz shld have rich guys that i can get married to (im so honest)
-smu biz should have shuai guys bah
-smu is in freaking town
-pubs and clubs all a stone throw away
IDONTKNOWLARH. been contradicting myself my whole life. now is no exception.
when u believe that you have done nth wrong even though everyone else says otherwise, thats when u should wakeup and know that u have reached ur lowest. time to get back on track.
feel like going clubbing again.
yea ive already said im super contradictory.
ps. no more making out with strangers because i have a feeling i passed my virus to the last guy i made out with because the last girl i made out with is down with ahgua voice syndrome too. HEH. ;p no more making out until ive recovered at least ;p
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