why?

so likeeee.

why are all the funny guys TAKEN?

whattheshittt

I SWEAR I HAD ALOTTTT OF PEEKTURES TO UPLOAD AND BLOG ABOUT TODAY!!!

but being the smart me, i accidentally deleted ALL the peektures that i took today plus the other day too. i know i know i feel like killing myself too. and theres like no freaking way to recover it!!!

peektures of the first-time thing i did that day!

first hand botak peektures of hmmjia

peektures of my first coldstone

etc

now i can only give you a peekture of a google image of COLDSTONE :(((

i guess things like that happen sometimes but WALAU my peektures :(

okay shoould get over it...

so i went to watch a super early movie today! KUNGFU PANDA :)

i quite like it actually, its funny and cuteee. but i feel that the movie was created just for the sake of a kungfupanda2. like they just ngeh ngeh stick in the new villain and tried to link it with the story lor. tats what i felt larh but u guys might disagree with me on that.

moving on, went to swensen for lunch! nothing much, didnt eat icecream because i was saving room for coldstone later!!

then met fj, june, deb and hmmjia and central coldstone! Ate the strawberry and banana rendezvous :) didnt really like it cause it was like hell crunchy, there were too many white choc chips. but i totally love the environment! Pretty place + blasting clubbing songs <3

and the people too! So super friendly!! Especially my server! I was like ordering my strawberry and banana rendezvous and she said it was sold out! Then when i tried to change my order, she said it was sold out too. This went on for a while until her friend beside her said that she should stop playing with me haha!

Then later when she was making the icecream i was wondering why she didnt toss the icecream in the air like what the others do. But surprise! She ploped my icecream into the cup and FREAKING tossed the whole cup(with the icecream in it) WTH! too cool for words. and she pretended to want to toss it to me too HAHA. shes so funny!!! I so wana work there ;p but i think i'll end up having the icecream fly like EVERYWHERE!

shit sia! we camwhored quite alot at coldstone and also on the bus trip back but but but... all the peektures are gone now :((( i shall go drown my sorrow in potato chips. TADA.

im actually super shy???

uhh i never knew i was such a shy person.

sometimes i act nonchalent or dao enough of some people and so i seem like i dont care or am uninterested. but thats the exact opposite of how i feel omg.

IM SO SHY D;

cant wait for alot of things ;D

changing dressing style like again! going uhhh. rocker chick (???) this time?

maybe HAHAHAHAHA.

need to get alot of things done!

hair, nails, eyes...

next week i'll look different i think!

did some exercise routine today:) learnt lady gaga's JUDAS chorus dance in preparation.

actually im supposed to be learning the kpop songs! But i like gave up on abracadabra, shall probably only learn all the chorus parts of all the songs i guess. There are so many songs! I cant possibly finish learning all.

been watching dong yi on tudou and im like getting nowhere with it! Only at ep 34/60 even after 3days of watching it. Dont feel like watching it already :( But its dumb cause ive already spent 34hours watching it, if i stop now, its like all wasted!!! Sigh, lazing around at home is so freaking boring :( cant help it though im like dms-ing :(

there are only two reasons for a girl to binge

1. pms-ing/dmsing/amsing

(PRE/DURING/AFTER)

2. when shes heartbroken

luckily im not heartbroken haha. But omo im like binging alot :( ate probably 3 packs of chips this week already!! Like 1 everynight, after 11pm. SHIT SIA.

KLUB PARTY

IM SO THERE <3

into showing off my (not so) SEXYBACK :)

cause i dont have anything to expose infront, hence i have to resort to wearing barebacks stuff to expose my backs haha :)

just bought two new show-off-my-back clothing!

a top and a dress :) is super happy and cant wait for the dress to arrive!

my first time today! but i cant post the peektures up here till like monday or so!

i'll just have to keep u guys in suspense as to what i did! ;p

ATTAINED A NEW SKILL :)

today i coughed and hacked my lungs out till i teared

ATTAINED A NEW SKILL :)

i has leveled up :) (can almost hear the maple lvlup sound ;p)

im so sick! and i really hope i get well soon, like please let me be unsick and have my normal voice back by friday! its like a freaking curse or something that whenever im working at the cruise im always sick and not be able to speak with my real normal voice.

at least michelle said she likes my new voice today haha, lower and huskier = sexier??? ;D

im gona stay at home the whole of this week, kinda. so that i can get well soon! Maybe i shall even cook dinner for the family tml? maybe. but its kinda no point even if i were to cook my favourite dish because i cant taste/smell anything right now!

went to carls jr after work today and i couldnt taste the difference between ketchup and BBQ sauce!

no sogurt! gona be a good girl :)

so please let me GET WELL!!!

sogurt or not? <3

nick's birthday party + zouk

Drinking party again at bryan's! Attendence was not as good but the main drinkers were there so its okay i guess.

me nisa bryan nick shao yudao jo

had to drink the scotch that nisa bought cause jo was gona be late with his vodka.

it hurts the throat damn bad :( and i was having sore throat wtf.

anyway bryan got drunk first i think.

and in the end, nisa and yudao puked.

i was fine ;D think i sobered up when they were puking.

the photos were so bad this time round because i entrusted my cam to shao for pictures, and they were all blurry :(

finally gave nick his cake after the drinking round! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ;D

nick's 'fake' present. toilet roll ;P

didnt have any pictures of the real present though.

i look retarded in the photos because i was high already :(

anyway after the puking and me sobering up, we left yudao and nisa at bryan's and went to zouk at around1am. didnt really like the crowd and the music. i prefer songs with singing :(

but too bad since shao and i were fighting over whether to go zirca or zouk and i lost after he flipped a coin to decide.

wasnt high at all cause i didnt drink much at zouk at first.

wasnt until we went upstairs for 2nd round of drinks that i got high and by then it was almost time to leave.

not bad for my first time at zouk i think. oh and and. there was this AUNTIE dancing her life away on the centre podium. TOTAL RESPECT. wonder if i can do that 20yrs down the road ;D

got back to bryan's at like 5am? tried to sleep but strangely i wasnt tired AT ALL. ;O and i was hungry so i ended up watching 2 movies with nisa shao and yudao in the games room till morning.

dad came to fetch me from bryan's and i was forced to go practise driving. luckily i wasnt having any hangover or feeling dead. had to practise parking the car for the first time, without using the 'cheat line' like we do when we are parking in the circuit. went round and round the heavy vehicle carpark so many times and parked many times too. didnt practise till perfection but passable i think.

came home at 11 and i still wasnt tired. dont know what is wrong with me! found out that i lost another kg ;D and the only food i ate the whole of day till now is - some pocky at 5am, a slice of cheesecake that nice bryan's mum gave us, 2 prawns, some chips. didnt have lunch because my parents didnt want to go dabao for me and i was too lazy to do it myself either. but im still not hungry. WEIRD. with luck i just might be able to stay at 44kg ;D

like sick again wtf

i cant believe im sick again after only recovering like a few days ago.

must had been all the durian and chips and kfc and coke and pepsi. damn my horrible diet :(

how to party tml when im all sick and coughing!!

ate like two panadols and slpt for 1.5hrs just now. should be better already :)

gona listen to people's advices and drink lots of water NAOOOOOO.

i will recover tml!!! :)

CHINATOWN FAREAST PS

went shopping with meimei on... wednesday! ive totally lost track of my days again :(

went to chinatown with her to adjust her specs first. my second exp at chinatown. still rather wary of that place though!

camwhoring while waiting for her specs :)

we were wearing matching stuff that day, lace + pearls

but i was more floral :) i love this lace BAG of mineeeee ;D

after chinatown (after almost melting under the sun), we went to shop at fareast! finally bought a pair of comfortable sandals/slippers kind of casual footwear! totally needed to get it because the only footwear i have currently are like heels or wedges and i simply cant go to sch everyday in heels right! abit the kua zhang i think!! anyway im quite happy with the new shoes i bought cause theres some CUSHIONY stuff ;p comfort ftw :)

decided to go do mani! its like my first time doing.

so hard to choose what color to paint!

my babe did some color that she thought was like grey? but they turned out to be like purple instead? haha.

i had mine done the color of the future phone - PINK :) the exact same shade too :)

shall end the post with a retarded camwhore shot at the specs shop! CAN u spot meee? ;D

party on saturday

OHOHOHOH! just rmbed something ;D

if we are going zirca on saturday, then then...

maybe, the guy who works at zirca who looks like JAEJIN will be there.

HEHE ;P

OLD CHEAP WINE haha

drinking old cheap bottles of wine

sitting talking up all night

saying things we haven in a while

a while yea.

smiling but we're close to tears

even after all these years

we just now got the feeling that we're meeting

for the first time

im so in love with this song right now :) its replaying itself over and over again in my head, when "cuz you feel like paradise, and i need a vacation tonight" isnt replaying itself.

i finally got back my purpose in life. TEXTING hahaha. cant believe i survived for 2 days without texting > 20 texts. okay i cheated cause i used other people's phones hehe ;p

no choice sia i hand itchyy :)

i really ought to stop emoing and put an end to this whole emo ranting period. soon. ASAP. maybe tml :) haha. why do tml something you can do today. BLEH. i dont care, tml larh, after i finally get to rant to someone :)

caught a few minutes of this sad chn u tv show about this dad with a handicapped son who was so desperate that he almost wanted to bring his son to jump down together. but he didnt. luckily he didnt.

when you dont even find death fearful, then what else is there to fear in life?

but... im scared of dying, im so scared thats why im scared to drive :( but then again, life is srsly too short for me to spend it on emoing. just got to take everything that comes my way and stay positive and try to not let things get to me.

think of it this way, at least you have friends, thats why you are now frustrated over them.

what about that handicapped boy? he probably doesnt have anyone except his dad and the caretaker people.

so i should count my lucky stars already. what more should i want.

okay time to put all that behind me :)

just read keejia's blog. and yea i hope she isnt only listening to her drama queen self too!

i wana be a drama queen too. thats why i end up creating stupid problems for myself. i hope i dont this time. it wont be the same because it'll be harder this time round!

BLOODY HELL YES I DO I DO I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

watch this damn awesome vid :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=pnVAE91E7kM#at=398

:(

i hate my friends. i love my friends. i dont know anymore :(

i really hate my friends sometimes, but its not like i can hate them for long. hate myself even more for not being able to hate them and for taking things too srsly and for being so easily affect by everything.

there are times you should know when enough is ENOUGH. you shldnt just keep on hurting people or insulting people thinking that they will never and arent ever gona be affected or angered by it. its super annoying i think. just because they tank it a few times, or more, doesnt mean that they will tank it forever. just because they act like it didnt matter to them, doesnt mean that it didnt affect them.

wonder if i can start all over? hit the re-set button and reset my personality and the way i talk. maybe if i wasnt such a bitch and i didnt joke and tease others so much, they wouldnt do the same to me. so i guess its, do to others what you want others to do to you.

so im just getting back what i reaped. dont know why but this may be my limit. its not bad already since ive been tanking them for some time now, laughing them off, or just acting retarded or choosing to ignore. its not like its a NOW ONLY thing, like for 1wk? 1mth? 1yr? nope. its been going on for years. and ive chosen to tank them all. maybe ive changed, im different now, im getting old and i cant tank as much as before. one day i might really not be able to take it anymore and just explode. i hope that day wont ever happen though. because then the consequences will be huge.

its gona be horrible because its not only just one friend. its a few, maybe most of them i guess. constant bombardment from them all. wow. cant believe im not already wounded from all around.

not like this shit isnt enough, then i found out that even the people closest to me doesnt believe me. doesnt trust me to know wheres the extreme, wheres the limit. in your eyes, do you really think so little of me.

srsly, whats the point of trying so hard and doing your best for your friends just because you want them to be happy and want to see them smile, when you yourself is suffering in the midst of the attempt and even more so at the end, when your fren is happy but you are not.

chill botak movie

Went for chilling session with botak guys + nisa today :)

they all look the same actually, hair or no hair ;p

after that went for fast5 with jo and nisa. i like the movie! super action-packed and this guy i like is in it. hold on let me go google who he is. i have no idea what his name is.

VIN DIESEL

he looks like this ;P ABS BROAD SHOULDERS AND ALL ;D

and i love this face of hissss omg! I love to watch movies starring him! Cause hes ALWAYS the hero ;D hehehe. like BABYLON A.D. i kinda like that show!

but ohman he has a daughter already! Hes like WHAT? 43YEARS OLD so ancient :( but he doesnt look 43 at all sia! cheat my feelings :(

im fat fat fat fat fat :( ohya, that just reminded me to go do some crunches later.

cruise today again

rundown for a day at the cruise:

-545am wakesup

-730am leaves house feeling high

-730am-830am HAPPY JOURNEY

830am-10am MORE HIGHNESS

10am roughly starts work.

by around 12pm im like already halfway dead and very hungry.

2pm im like dying of sore feet and no more energy already :(

4pm TIME TO KNOCK OFF and my energy is back esp if we are going for late lunch!

ive got nth to blog about :( my life is so boring. oh my phone. my dumb phone :(

now i cant really text people! IM SO ANNOYED because im lost without texts. okay that sounds stupid.

retarded stunt of the day:

today when i was about to sign out and fj and jean were walking to the signoff sheet i actually said "SO ARE WE BOOKING OUT NOW?" to them -.-

THE DUCK

went for dinner at DIANXIAOER today. im in love with THE DUCK!! omg :) no wonder everyones like raving about it!! its really good! this may sound weird but i think it tastes like teaegg. as in the sauce haha :)

nothing much happened today though! but on the car ride home after sending bro's gf home, my bro suddenly commented or rather stated that i like a guy like NOW?! like. he said its super obvious to infer from my fb and everything. WHATTT? thats the first time ive heard of that.

my 2nd drive and almost accident!

drove to grandma's again today and i must say ive improved from the first time (which was lat week) as in, i took a shorter time to reach my grandma's this time round haha.

but on the way back, i almost got into a freaking accident!!! and i swear it wasnt my fault AT ALL. all that lorry's fault, the driver freaking drove into my lane when he was turning in and i was about to turn out onto the main road. luckily becuz of my timid and humji character i brakeddddd. stupid GUY! totally wtf. im very D<

my life is in a mess right now! why do i constantly fall back into the im-so-emo-over-little-things and my-brain-has-so-many-things-in-it-and-i-cant-tink-anymore period!! hate this. getting so easily affected by trivial comments or things people casually say. cheeeeeeeeee. so stupid hor. i cant rant to people about it becuz, if i tell them the reason for feeling this way, think they'll be like 'wth, such a small thing u also take it to heart for what!'

damn me! tried to attitude one of my frens becuz of that but i tink i failed and after the almost accident thing, i was tinking abt how if i were to get into one, my frens will prob not know that im hospitalised or dead even. becuz noone will find out i guess. its not like my parents will tell my frens that im injured or dead. so unless someone calls my phone or smth. if they just text, they wldnt ever know, until like maybe monday when im absent from work. idk ohwells. if my frens dont know that im dead, they wun be coming to my funeral either. sad.

shit i can be so gloomy sometimes. so i finished itazura na kiss anime today :) i like it actually but i dont like the guy. blogger was screwed up last night but came back to life today so i went to blog about some private stuff again.

currently im crazy about texting so i tend to text ALOT right now. and i really do mean ALOT. kinda worried about the botak guys now cause apparently their trainings have been rather harddddd recently. going out for belated mummy's day dinner at DIANXIAOER tml.

i think im fat. shit man, been eating alot recently. hates myself for it becuz i dont wan a freaking tummy. been daydreaming about living a carefree life full of clubbing and the like. ohwell maybe one day...

there are times when you feel like all is lost and you should stop trying.

nows that time.

even if we can be all so tight now, texting, calling, msning everynight. but what will happen when i start uni? when they start going uni? will we still have the time for each other? will we still be as tight as we are now? maybe we might even forget about each other? i dont know.

what i do know is that its gona take alot of effort on all parts to continue the friendships.

and who knows, if we all put in the effort, things might just work :)

fate is sealed. FOR NOW

so i finally finally pressed the I ACCEPT SMU button. i took like going a month to makeup my mind. received the offer like 19apr? and its now already 12may. goodjob. at least i still clicked the button in the end right.

its not like im not having those mixed feelings about smu anymore. dk i keep tinking likee, its as if its so easy to get into smu. the interviews probably dont mean anything.prob just a gimmick? like what this person described it to be in this certain forum.

maybe its cause i saw how bryan has matured in 1 wk in tekong and i got inspired(?) like i shld stop harping about the fact that i wont be with my frens in smu because i'll be going in alone. (for a short period of time i was considering going nus FASS with my frens.) so i shld just grow up and tank it, go into smu alone and be independent and make lots of new frens there. i should be able to do it. scratch that. I CAN DO IT :)

so i was looking back at my old old posts and i came across my 2011 new year resolutions:

In 2011 I...

-will be a better friend to my friends and daughter to my parents and

sister/bro to my brother and all other siblings and dude to my babe and stranger to all strangers HAHA

(lets wait and see still)

-will learn to build up my self confidence

-will become fearless

-will become a more mature, independent and stronger girl

(on my way there HOPEFULLY)

-will begin to attend the university of my dreams

(GONA HAPPEN IN AUG :D)

-will get my driving license

(DONE)

-will get awesome jobs

(DONE)

-hope that i can finally be able to smile with my teeth

(uhhhhhh)

-hope that things will improve between us

(this one is abit.... well at least we are off the awkward part!)

-hope that i build many many many new friendships

(made quite a number of new frens already through my jobs, but will make ALOT more when uni starts ;p)

-hope that i will not drift apart from all the important people in my life

(so far still okay)

-hope to become smarter and prettier and TALLER LOL

(LOL OKAY UHHH YESS TO THE FIRST TWO AND NO TO THE LAST ONE ;P)

-WANT IT TO BE AN AWESOME YEAR :D

(IT IS GONA BE)

checkpoint!! i think my new year resolutions are going well :) like much better than previous years' ones. (i dont even rmb what they were) okay tata shall go lose some weight now :)

spending time with me babe (L)

went shopping with babe at bugis today. Been rather long since the last time i took a day out purposely for shopping.

due to the depressed down and whatsoever negative mood i was having yesterday night, i was madeup from H to T.

my thick until like geisha WHITE makeup, ulitmate sexyback top that managed to seduce a cleaner and a dog the last time i wore it, and my killer new stilettos kinda heels :)

felt so happy shopping. felt so happy that i got to eat the chicken mayo MINI toast. i love chicken mayo, but its kinda hard to find outside.

bought a couple of things and especially this awesome brown jacket OMG me and my babe loved it to bits!!

after much shopping, we went to BK to CAMWHORE!

i quite like this peekture!
i gota a smirk so weird.
camwhore ttm
UGLY UGLY UGLY
our purchases, not alot i think.

MY AWESOME NEW CLUBBING HEELS. wore it the first time today and guess what?

NO BLISTERS!

shall end this post with my babe's pretty flower. she bought matching ones for us frm HK. mine is black and hers is like turquoise-green kinda color.

because no matter what you do, how much you do, it just doesnt seem enough as nothing beats time.

anyway my phone is so freaking screwed up now :( i think the battery is like faulty already because even after i charged it to full batt, it goes low batt and shuts itself off like within hours, WTH. my stupid phone.

trying to plan my NAUGHTY 19TH bday thingy. it seems super early to be planning it now since my bday is like in july? But i need to bk a freaking hotel room hence i need to cfm people's attendance. i know its gona be so freaking hard to plan this stupid bday thing. but i just wana have fun and i wan people i love to be present. but......... apart from my own simple wishful thinking, i have to consider so many different practical things. esp the issue of $$$ :(

i dont want to be like mmjc, making everyone buy tickets to attend her bash. wth. but its not like i can afford EVERYTHING myself. i dont know man. so i guess if no one wans to spend the day with me i guess i'll cancel the whole thing. and spend my bday on the plane home. thats it.

because girls see me as

a bitch

and guys see me as, one of em, in other words,

a fellow man

ranting and self doubting every other day or so

perhaps its because i have very little self worth to begin with. or maybe its due to all these long bus rides that ive been taking to reflect about my life. whatever the reason, im like feeling emo and down every other day because im just so not confident about my future, my work, my face, myself, just my everything.

a tiny little meaningless rejection can make me go back into my protective shell and hide there, emoing about why nobody likes me and why it feels like im such a big failure because everyone rejects me. i dont even know what im ranting about specifically and why im ranting about it now. small little details that can go unnoticed by others, but i tend to look into it, think about it and then spend loads of time thinking and questioning myself about how that thing even came about in the first place.

In conclusion, I THINK TOO MUCH.

not like my friends haven already told me that. i read too much into things, even trivial matters that are not worth anyone's time. i hate that sometimes i over think things. i get all these ideas that later just dissolve like bubbles and then disappear without a trace.

im super open about who i like and who i dont but i wonder if thats a good thing. but if i have to, i still act all fake friendly infront of the person i dont like because i simply cant just diss the person infront of everyone. but if the person isnt even worth my time, i do sometimes make it obvious to him/her that i dont like you and wth are you toking to me? cant u tell im not really interested in what you what to say hence im daoing you. and can you just get out of my sight right now?

i dont understand why sometimes some people complain about a certain individual, lets say personA, like how much he doesnt like personA but then can still act all friendly and nice to personA when personA comes by. it is just so damn fake.

perhaps its something that is needed to be done? like we all have to do that because its part of being a human and everything. learn to be fake and suck up to people, even those you dont like. thats the only way u can climb up the ladder and be successful in life.

i hate being fake. but im perhaps the most fake person around? everything about me is fake. my smiles? fake. my craziness? fake. my voice? fake. my personality? fake. my kindness? fake. my sweetness? fake. my friendliness? fake. my extrovert-ness? fake. flirting is like the fake-est thing in the world. feelings? fake. everything i say? fake.

all behind all the faking and lies? nothing. theres nothing left. just an empty shell. some ugly dumb girl cover with no personality and whatsoever who doesnt even know who she herself is. The only thing she knows, and is good at is PRETENDING.

perhaps pretending is so much easier and more fun than being the real me. perhaps ive forgotten whats the real me like. perhaps i cant stop pretending anymore because if i start showing everyone the real me, my life will be over, everything will crumble. relationships, trust, everything will break apart. think ive never not lied to any of my friends before.

perhaps i should just shutup now and stop all this sillying emoing and ranting.but a blog is fucking for RANTING.

idk think it all started from this 2 girls.

one is someone i haven liked all along. but i thought we seemed to have bonded this one night. and for once i actually 'liked' her like i felt like we were frens. until... she did smth which only make me realise why i disliked her all along. and then i saw something else, which kinda spited me so here i am ranting.

another one is someone whom ive liked all along but maybe something happened? and i dont know something she said made me feel like abit hurt? i dont know man thats why i got a little emo over myself as a person. okay nvm. should shutup now if not people might know who im toking about. actually maybe i shouldnt care because i dont think anyone reads my blog.

enough about that.

before i came online i was still feeling happy. because

bryan finally had time to call me today :)

so now its 2calls frm nickk 2 frm joooo and 1 from bryan :)

they all seem okay over there and im quite surprised but very excited because it seems that bryan has matured alot over the past week in tekong. proud of him.

going shopping with babe tml. might rant to her. idk. but will doll myself up. which is what i usually do when im feeling low. time for full on drawing of face.

;D

so... im 45kg! hahaha. been retaining that for one week now, after the drinking epic clubbing night at bryan's. i so hope its gona be permanent!!

i just wokeup at 11am love my life! too easily tired and too easily slpy. maybe cause theres nothing in my life now. like im completely bored to tears everynight. theres nothing to do online either. okay maybe i'll go find some k drama to watch? perhaps.

anyway i think im a super self centered person!! shit man.

ohwell i have tuition later at SENGKANG. needs to travel all the way there again. think the whole journey is like 1.5hrs. its okay cause im getting my alone time. im being damn weird nowadays like, i like to be alone and think/reflect about my life. so the 1.5hrs of bus ride is just the thing i need :)

had cruise today and came home mighty late. like 8pm? its quite late considering that i knocked off at 330pm. went to shop around for abit and bought my EVERBEST heels.

new clubbing heels :) my first 'GSS' purchase, even though i dont think that GSS has actually started already.

totally wasnt a fantastic day. it was rather blah. like i was high in the early morn, then lower then better, then low till i wanted to sleep then high again when i was shopping.

anyway i think i might be addicted to clubbing. i was thinking of that the whole time at cruise. just ask van. i think i might be drugged. OHNO.

is very happy

because i feel the loveeeee ;D

hahahs. is still in contact with the botaks guys :)

just got a call from retarded JO.

received two calls from nick so far.

none from bryan because his section is super damn busy.

maybe tml? he says!

anyway im just happy because i think they are doing well over there. like TEKONG there. haha

time to sleep i think. cruise tml again! will socialise more with my ahgua voice!

OMG IM CRAZY. i just spammed my own fb wall with 10 conseq wall posts.

so i was doubting myself.

like how im gona not survive in smu because everyone else is gona be super good at crapping their way through. WHY AM I NOT A GOOD SPEAKER! how im gona get owned. how i might have the lowest gpa in the history of smu biz. (which is not a very long history actually).

is it true that everyone generally likes smart pple? and between a smart and dumb person, everyone will choose to befriend the smart one. i guess. so that means im gona be quite lonely in smu :( I DONT WANA. im scared. i'll die if i have no friends okayy.

then during class time, im gona be so zi bei staring at everyone else contributing their logical and useful suggestions and giving their smart ass opinions. and i'll just be some dumb girl sitting there, not knowing what to say. even if i have something to say, its cfm either something really useless or insignificant or not related at all. OMG. im so screwedup.

even if i work hard, can i possibly catch up with the others? idk when i started having this self doubt, that im really an airhead. ive got nth in my brain. idk when i first had this realisation. maybe it was when i went into sc? cause there were alot of smart thinking people there? or was it when i started playing contract bridge? i realised that when im playing, my brain is always BLANK. even though im supposed to be doing alot of thinking and remembering work. but i was never doing that. my brain was always BLANK. like as if theres nothing in it. Then, i realised that even when im just talking to people, like a normal casual conversation, sometimes i cant even give intellectual answers or even answers of even a little depth. its like i dont have my own opinions that i can give others. or advices that i can render others. i dont know what to say half the time.

maybe it was when i came into sa3 and all the scholars are like sooo smart. always debating about idk what they are toking abt. or when shao started writing his uni essays and asked me some cheem qns that i cant really answer. or when im ranting to omo bromo and he always has his deep opinions and insights to tell me.

then i realised that i nvr had my own ideas, opinions and whatsoever. i canot think on my own. cant think critically. always need ideas from others if not i cant answer qns or whatever. is this due to my over dependence on everyone? shit if thats the case then i really gg. if i go smu, i dont have anyone to rely on. imma flop like a dead fish.

basically im just ranting about my fears of going smu biz. i think that 90% im just gona click that 'I ACCEPT YOU SMU' button even though im really scared and worried about what is gona lie ahead.

why am i gona accept smu

- smu has been my dream sch since SC days. its silly to back out now cause everyone knows how much i wana go smu.

-ive been telling everyone im going smu biz.

-smu biz will give me alot of useful networking connections in the future i believe

-my parents are 100% behind me in going smu. actually they cant wait for me to tell them that ive accepted smu.

-biz shld earn me money in the future

-smu biz shld have rich guys that i can get married to (im so honest)

-smu biz should have shuai guys bah

-smu is in freaking town

-pubs and clubs all a stone throw away

IDONTKNOWLARH. been contradicting myself my whole life. now is no exception.

when u believe that you have done nth wrong even though everyone else says otherwise, thats when u should wakeup and know that u have reached ur lowest. time to get back on track.

feel like going clubbing again.

yea ive already said im super contradictory.

ps. no more making out with strangers because i have a feeling i passed my virus to the last guy i made out with because the last girl i made out with is down with ahgua voice syndrome too. HEH. ;p no more making out until ive recovered at least ;p

goodnews all around :)

been hearing alot of good news from quite a number of frens recently :)

like today, i was just randomly nua-ing at home and i received a text frm van, and 2 calls frm kj and nick. ;D

cant help but feel super happy too!

dont know what to type here alr haha. grandpa's bday today :) gona drive my family to grandpa's later. MY FIRST OFFICIAL DRIVEEEEEEEEEEE

my voice is better, but i still go off pitch every now and then.

my ahgua voice

drinking coke and pepsi like water, screaming/shouting at clubs, alcohol(???)

now i sound like an ahgua.

it is so disturbing, disgusting

my voice goes off pitch every sentence. and sometimes its so high pitch you cant hear it at all.

wow. my awesome voice.

was good entertainment for frens perhaps but i think they rather i didnt speak instead HAHA

did cruise tday with my ahgua voice. directionals luckily, if not i cant imagine doing checkin with my ahgua voice, think the passengers will totally wonder if they were at thailand instead.

quite sick now. ate two meals today and hell loads of rubbish after dinner.

everything COLD. icecream, pineapple, pineapple juice, coke. idk man

think my body is in such a cui state now. as bad as my voice apparently.

been replaying things in my head hell loads of time today. everything. everywhere.

when i was doing directionals, all the way to when im just lying in bed feeling sick

after u get past the 'OHSHIT WHAT DID I DO' stage, alls left is me thinking that actually it was FUN. omg enough with my screwed up mentality.

anyway the whole point of doing things with strangers is so that i wont rmb it, get reminded of it and nobody will in anyway hear of it and link me to it. but no. i still rmb the faces. their faces. its not as easy as it is to say to forget and then you'll forget. omfg. the faces keep popping up no matter how much i dont care about the whole thing.

on a side note. wah i miss some people ALOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

THE ONE WEEK OF FAREWELLS!

one week of farewells for the enlisting guys :)

in order of sequence of enlistment:

tue-bryan wed-nick fri-jo and clive

MONDAY

went to watch THOR with bryan, nick and jo. i liked the show pretty much except for the ending part! the ending sucks man. why cant they just live happily ever after right :( NATALIE PORTMAN so chioooooo. ;p

took POLAROIDS after the movie! i love polaroiddsssss! But its a pity cause the backgrounds were all DARKKK :( but still they turned out pretty well i think! the 3 guys better stick my pretty face on their cupboard wall in camp ;P

nick and bryan SHAVED ALREADYYYY!

when i saw nick's peekture i was like omggg his head ontop got NTH so empty ;p

2 botaks one pretty girl (not jo, is ME) and one broadshoulders!

TUESDAY

Had my driving test at 11am and warmup was at 10am! On the way there to BBDC i kind of chalked up some good karma. I brought along the cookies i baked for the NS guys and also while trying to find papers to write letters for them, i freaking cut my thigh and disfigured my mei tui. But i didnt even see the cut and blood until i reached the 187 busstop that was 10mins frm my hse. then on the bus ride there i did a little good deed too. And before my warmup and the actual test, i was still busy writing the guys' letters!!

So, i was abit nervous and all and i made this horrible mistake of not stopping completely at a STOP line after my very FIRST circuit course. i thought it was immediate failure!!! (i didnt have time to read the prac bk before my test) so i was like shit man cause the examiner actually kept his 'TABLET PAD' thingy already. i totally wanted to ask him if he can just let me off the torture and end my test immed since ive already failed. Then i went to parallel parking and guess what, its as if my mood isnt already so deflated and down, i freaking HIT THE CURB. omgggg! Ive never HIT THE FREAKING CURB while doing parking before EVER.

and that just cfmed that im gona fail my test larh!!! 10 freaking points penalty u know! :(

i was gona like just give up and anyhow drive my way thru srsly. somemore my test route was TECK WHYE and i haven driven there for 1 mth? GG. totally dont rmb how the roads looked like :( but then i rmbed what my instructor said to me before. smth like uhh even if u tink/know u failed already, still dont give up! u'll nvr know, the examiner might still let you pass

so like after the test, i was supposed to wait in a room for my examiner to process the results. and i was like gona cry already. i was totally thinking like WTH i sucked as a driver man, i just failed my 2ND TEST. i dont wana retest anymore so shi baiiii

somemore the examiner took a veryy long time to come. like at first the room was full of test candidates and then they all left, most of em to watch the graduation vid. so i was like left alone in the room. trying very hard not to cry mann. finally when the examiner came back he scolded me about stuff but the thing was, i didnt care aanymore because he was holding the result slip up and i could see the word 'PASSED" HAHAHAHAH ehehehe wth cant believe i passed the test! imma driver now :) the grad video was disgusting though.

After making my licence, went to pIZZA HUT with jingyi for lunch!

mushroom soup. the mushrooms all sank to the bottom!
COKE? or was it PEPSI?
My chicken royale.

i was super disappointed because i thought that it was baked RICE, and when i ordered, the waitress didnt correct me that it was baked PASTA only. wtf. so when it came i went to tell another waitress that i ordered baked rice and that they had sent me the wrong thing, only then was i told that chicken royale only had baked PASTA. and the thing is I DONT EAT PASTA -.- so i basically just ate up all the liao and left the pasta there to rot. until clive came and gobbled them all up.
Jingyi's seafood thingy. She says its nice :)

Watched SOURCE CODE with jingyi,clive, nick and shao after pizzahut. then went to play MONODEAL at the food junction for abit!

i like the movieee :) more cheem than inception HAHA


WEDNESDAY

went for lunch wif fj and jy at jy's relief teaching sch.
Went to van's for mahjong
Went to lot1 for dinner wif van and babe. bus-ed down to clarke to drink wif jo. by the sg river. i was actually quite scared that i'll fall into the river cause i get giddy very fast!

camwhore SHOT hehe ;D

went zirca!

so blur ahhh

so anyway, GUESS which 3 guys are in my SMU planner ;D

hahahah im so niceee ;)
aish im so bored. working two jobs tml.cruise and tuition.

i kinda feel abit lost nowadays cause ive nothing to do online everyday. and like noone to tok to on msn ever since the guys enlisted sian man.

clubb yesterday

*peektures another time*

yesterday fj and i went to visit and have lunch with jingyi at the primary sch she was reliefing teaching at. after that, we went to van's for mahjong session with her and kj. i love love love mahjong! played abit of daidi and german bridge too after keejia left for driving. went with fj to lot1 to get stuff and then i went to meet babe and van for dinner. after dinner, left to meet jo at clarkequay to drink.

went to drink by singapore river. his nalgene bottle. with coke we bought from BK to mix. he promised to go club with us if we drank his nalgene bottle half half each. done deal. so i got us an extra bodyguard. went to zirca and waited for babe and van to come. gg a little cause i was wobbly already. the guy at groove looked cute. he kinda reminds me of jaejin haha. didnt do anything to him though. but later when i went back for drinks, two skinny bitches were asking him for his no. and later when my babe and van went to get drinks, they said that one bunch of girls were taking peektures with him. shows that my taste is good.

wrote out a challenge at groove. same challenge as the previous one. penalty just a little different this time. i won the challenge. van did the penalty. danced the night away. saw alot of wasted girls. one even fell from the platform and onto my babe. wow. got many ugly guys. music was bomb. i like. went back at 3am?

back to van's hse, washed up and got ready to sleep. i was sooo tired. but think van fell aslp first at like 4am and my babe and i continued to talk cock till like 5am before finally falling aslp. woke up at 9am? talked more cock. i kept wanting to go back to sleep. finally went downstairs to dabao breakfast up and watched the JEJU countdown thing. played some bridge and finally reached home at around 3pm?

i rmbed on the cab back i was tinking to myself that i i felt like it'll be my last time going clubbing for awhile. i tink clubbing has lost its appeal. ive done almost everything i can do at a club. well other than like smoke larh. no one left for me to makeout with. making out with strangers is not as fun anymore. dancing is still good. provided that the music is good. and it just so happened that ytd the music was AWESOME. have i said that already. clubber guys are not keepers. i guess the only reason why i may go club again is for protecting girls and dancing. yea. dont think imma do stupid things like makeout with strangers again.

just about realised how easily i can be swayed to do things without thinking. how i can be so easily affected by the atmosphere of clubs.

anyway i realised! everytime after i club, i'll find some form of injury on myself the next morn. i found a large blueblack on my knee this mornnn WHATTT. :(

this period of time in my life, LIKE NOWWW, is like one of the really rare times in my life that i can say i feel really really fortunate and lucky and im super happy.

my life (of 18yrs so far) hasnt been a smooth ride. and i think it had more downs than ups. but like this time, i actually can say that i feel very xin fu! and i really hope its gona last. maybe its time that i get my share of happiness? after all ive been through in these 18yrs.

my family, frens, academics, outside academics, like i seem to be smooth in everything.

well everything except the R word, but i dont need an extra someone there purposely. like im happy as i am now :)

might be coming down with something. been coughing the whole of today idk why. uhh maybe ive been drinking too much coke/pepsi these days? i drink coke pepsi like how i drink plain water. gg.

anyway yesterday went to watch thor with nick jo and bryan then today watched source code with jingyi shao clive and nick.

SO LIKE, I GOT MY LICENSE TODAY. more about that later, in another post.

just felt like pasting a nice peekture here now.

hope tml will be tons of impromtu fun! wun be back tml prob.

blog on thurs :)

k bye.

NICE PEEKTURE OF THE DAY (L)

i have this or rather i used to have this rather close guy fren.

we'll text each other everyday and spam each other with nonsense.

like someone who is always there for me whenever im down or whatever and he is just a text away.

then suddenly he just stopped texting and toking to me one day.

wtf right? i was angryy but then later i thought he prob got himself a gf so like its okay i guess.

even though i was still quite sad right. i freaking got ditched larh.

and we haven toked since and thats like a good few months ago.

then suddenly. he texted me again today. and apologised for ditching and promised he wldnt do that ever again. am i suppose to believe him?? to forgive him? i shld forgive him cause he is enlisting this week. but believing? i dont know man. he did it once and he can do it again right. how can i just let him back into my life so easily???

i dont like this farewell

ive nvr liked farewells! never could deal with em properly either. luckily i dont really cry on the spot but sometimes when i get home? yea maybe HAHA.

so like this week, may's intake of the guys. our FUN FUN AWESOME GUYS :(

should be happy that they only get enlisted now and not earlier i guess? since we were able to all have so much more epic fun over the months. but its like quite bad cause, in one shot so many guys are going in this week

bryan nick jo clive capt hmmjia weishit kiansiang kiwi...

like all the guys are gona be missing frm all the cliques. say what?

HOW TO GO CLUBBING WITHOUT PROTECTION FROM GUYS GG.

;((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

okay im not only sad because of that larhh. but srsly. cant go clubbing liao. i think i need to tank all the protecting otherwise :(

so like im gona miss the guys so darn much :( sent texts. some personalized ones (u guys know u mean MOREEEEE ;p) anyway 2weeks aint so long right. 2 wks can be gone in a flash. a partay is always better after a drought righttt. and PLUSSS NS - the time for these boys to macho up and become REAL MAN ;D shld feel happy for them because its time for em to man up and will be proud of em when they come out of it, matured, sensible, macho, abbbssssss-ish ;P, and better than the 2yrs-ago them. :)

MY FAREWELL

I ended my work at TIGERBALM last friday. i still cant believed ive worked there for like 2, going 3mths. To someone with commitment problems thats a BIG deal okay! ive come to like my job. my awesome colleagues and the 1230pm lunch break that can sometimes drag to end at 2+ pm. and going to different places for lunch. wahh. the pantry where i place my carton of fruit juice in every monday, occasional fruits in my bento and making of LIPTON tea too. the tibits corner that surprisingly i seldom visit even though its just at the cubicle beside mine. the stomping sounds of my bigger boss's running around here and there. sneaking onto fb now and then, skyping and msning frens while im working. the warden patroling the office every 5 mins and peeping over the cubicle wall trying to see what we are up to. reading the newspapers because there is no work to do. taking 1-2hrs to shred just maybe 50 pieces of papers. the stupid artworks packing of samples to be sent to far away countries like AUSTRIA, OMAN??? listening to gossips in the office. being tortured by warden's yucky laughter and flirty speech. skyping with my fave colleagues and toking behind others' backs. HEHE. and so many many moreeeeee.

so my last day at work was spent rather uselessly at first cause i had totally ZEROOOOO work to do, when finally my boss asked me to help her pack balloons cause some european country wanted it. i had to pack 50balloons into 1 small box, 300 balloons in total. so to save space, i cleverly rolled up the balloons like that.

SO CUTE RIGHT
HEHEHE abox full of rolled up balloons. wonder how i got that idea. hmmm. ;p

after that i went to camwhore abit HEHE with shermaine cause she was doing recept duty.
also took pics wif the recept, agnes :) her son is my age and frm sa and we like got the EXACT same results for A's. cool huh.
then it was lunch. nothing fancy cause they had alot of work to do and couldnt afford the time to go far away for lunch, but it was still okay! we went for typical farewell tzechar nearby! IT WAS GOOOOOOD! ahahah. i was damn bloated after it! continued to take more pics. poor jocelyn was sick so she took a halfday off and was leaving after lunch.
back at the office i had some work to do but ofcuz i finished em speedy-ly ;P and went to camwhore more!! took pics with JIIN haha her tummy's BIG now cuz shes PREGNANT ;D
then i gave them my present to them. nth fancy cuz i rushed it out the night b4 ;p hehe. its just smth that they can pin on their cubicle wall and rmb me ;D




nice mah? i guess its the thought that counts!!

this is shermaine's bear hahah
anyway, my colleagues are so niceee ;D they went and bought me a small bouquet of flowers. SO PRETTTTY ;D its like the first time ive ever received flowers frm females can!

(other than frm fj i tink) i was so touched LAH. cuz it was so unexpected!!

my pretty flowers!

then bimbotic shermaine was so funny! like after lunch we went shengsiong and she said she was craving for icecream and asked me what is nice. so i told her imo b&j is nice :) and she like kept asking me which flavour is better and even went asked 'this and this, you prefer which one" lol. SO FUNNY. and u guessed it,

she bought this for me! AWWW so niceee right. cuz we were initally supp to go daily scoop that day for lunch but we cldnt, so she decided to buy me icecream instead. sooo nice. abit of a 'surprise' larh. HAHA.

okay back to the office, so i took pics with more colleagues!

oh like, the first farewell gift i received was frm sally, the BIG lady BOss's secretary. its not really a farewell gift per se larh haha. i came back frm the pantry and i found a BANANA on my desk HAHAHHA. but i was still HAPPY :) this pic is funny cuz they both BLINKED lol!!!

this is the whole of our regulatory department, haha only 2 pple in the department!

SHALL END THIS POST WITH MY FAVE PIC OF THE DAY!

we so cute rightttt! and the thing is our avg age is like 30? i think ;X hahaha but love them to bitsssssssss still!