ive decided to become a demure lady. a kim gek. thats it lah a kim gek. afterall thats what SC brought us to become, just that many of us strayed from that path, rather far away too. went shopping with babe meimei ahtan after their work just now. was trying to look for demure dresses and stuff. failed i guess. but its okay, i'll try again on tuesday.
i was so immature and insensible last night, i know i know, i still am lah. that prob wun change for a couple of years more. so i guess i have to live with it. hence i promised to never drink again. but u think that thats ever gona happen? nawww. haha. i said it, im immature and insensible. a sensible girl wouldnt get drunk.. a sensible girl wldnt get drunk 2x in a day. i need to growup. i need to start collecting myself. need to start being more firm and serious and responsible. afterall, im going to be 19 this year. thats freaky.
i believe i can choose what kind of person i want to be. previously i chose to be the man-girl. i wanted to be chummy and like brothers to the guys. i wanted to be the dude to my babe. i wanted to be the stupid retarded silly and crazy and high one among my frens. i wanted to be a flirt. i chose clothes that suit sluts. i wanted the attention. i wanted to act dao infront of strangers. i wanted to do so many things intentionally. i was pretending i think. i know that sometimes i pretend to do things. i know that im such a fake. but now i dont know which things im really pretending or is it really the real me.
i know last night was real. that i know, i couldnt rmb alot of things. or maybe its just cause of my bad memory? idk. but other times, i cant say for sure that i was pretending or lying. i lie alot. i lie so much that i dont even blink when i lie. the lie just comes right out. and i dont even feel guilty about it too.
i dont know if saying all this here is gona change anything, like frenships maybe? but after ytd night i feel that i should collect my thoughts and say things out. i rmbed when i started this blog, i said i was gona type out my honest feelings and thoughts here. so this is what im doing right now.
i need to stop acting like a party girl. or maybe i dont act like that,but i need to stop people from thinking im a party girl. im not. i dont club. i rather stay at home and sleep. but i want to club. no i dont. i shldnt club. i need to stop doing things that make people think im a loose girl. im not. i think im not. but it hurts when people say i am. even if you guys were kidding. it still kinda stung. abit. i need to stop saying that im a bi. ofcuz i prefer guys to girls. but idontknow i guess i just thought that liking girls is cool so i said im a bi? but that doesnt mean i dont like girls. idk. i need to stop using people, need to stop using my frens for my convienience. that is just pure bitchy. someone gave me a lecture because i pangsehed someone else. yea i agree that was plain bitchy. i need to stop flirting with guys i shld not be flirting with. being a bitch i know what you are thinking about but i still flirt with you. that is wrong. very wrong. guys with gfs are offlimits. i shdnt even go there either. i shld stop doing things just to seek attention.thats bad. but its like now i dont even know if i did it intentionally or what. i should stop leading people on. no more. i have had enough of that. need to break things up completely. i shld start replying people whom i haven been replying to. i shld stop talking so much. i think i talk too much already. im a super open person, too open in fact, i tell my frens everything. it doesnt matter if they are my close besties. but no i tell other not so close frens ALOT of things too. i should stop having feelings for guys who i know wun like me back. i shld stop since i know it so well that its impossible.
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