thoughts

i was googling about smu and stuff and i kinda had a look into the life im going to have in 2months time. all i can say is like WOW. One one hand, im super excited about all the stuff awaiting for me but on the other hand, i cant help but feel a little worried for myself.

i tend to get so easily influenced by people around me. So what if i happen to fall into the wrong clique? The clubbing clique? WHat to do! I cant go partying everyday and neglect my work because because i really need to be working hard in uni. I chose the SMU path myself and im going to try my best to not regret it.

Sometimes i dont care if im acting like a bitch to certain people but other times, i'll feel guilty and want to make it up to them. Its times like these that i feel like im such a hypocrite because im criticizing the others for being bitches while actually i myself is one too just that im feeling the guilt and hence deciding to be nice.

What is wrong with wanting to be with the friends you love? Nothing right. What is wrong with wanting to enjoy others' company? Nothing! But what if, the feeling isnt mutual? Like, i love xxx and yyy and zzz and love to be around them and hence keep jio-ing them out. But what if xxx and yyy and zzz actually dont even like me, but are just hanging out because they may be forced to? WOW that will hurt. like totally.

I wish theres a way to know if feelings are mutual :(

sometimes i feel so drained! Like why am i always the person to jio others out? If i dont jio my friends out, does it mean that its possible that they wldnt jio me out on their own accord? I really do wonder. Why cant i be the passive one! Its so exhausting to be the active one all the time. Then sometimes you get pissed off from people you tried to jio, and you wonder if its wrong of you to want to spend time with people you love.

I feel like staying passive and wait for people to jio me out. But i think it wldnt happen. People jio-ing me out i mean. And then i'll die. I thrive on being with my friends, so if i have no friends or dont see my friends i think i'll wither and die. (i like to say wither and die alot)

about my 'birthday party' i wonder if its the right thing, i feel like im forcing my friends to attend because im organising my own party. What if they actually dont wana attend but are forced to. I'll never know.

Then, i hope i can make alot of friends in SMU. im not a super likeable person but i dont think im that bad right. I dont think people hate me or anything. Unless they dislike me because im too high, crazy, retarded, cheena, bimbotic, ahlian-ish, ugly, act cute or whatever. But for the most part, i think people dont dislike me. I hope thats true.